New year, new word, new purpose

                  

I feel like I have to start this post with a recap of my 2017 year, according to my 2017 word: VICTORY. I prayed hard over this word at the beginning of the year, and I really felt like God was telling me that He would give me victory in my health, finances, and marriage. So let me just tell you how He showed up and showed off, in true Godly fashion. 

For any of you that know me, you know I have been let's just say "chubby", because it sounds cuter than overweight, for quite some time now. I remember my first pregnancy weighing in at a whopping 200lbs the day I delivered!!! I would love to say that was all baby, but that would just be lying. I ballooned up and down for a few years, popped out a couple more baby boys and started last year in January around 170lbs. A few of those pounds may have still been from my sweetest little October baby, Connor, but that's to be debated. The point is, I worked my butt off, joined an amazing HIIT gym, watched my diet, and ended the year at 153lbs. I probably could have done even better but I took the last couple months of the year off and enjoyed the holidays. Even God took a rest after the work was good y'all, right? I've still got a ways to go but either way, I would say in my health? VICTORY!

Next up, my finances. While I would love to spout off that I am "debt-free", "paid off my house" and am "giving to the needy", that again would just be lying. However, we have made some significant strides. We are no longer depending on credit cards, not having to borrow from family, and are so close to our full tithe. I will chalk this one up as a VICTORY. 

As for my marriage, yikes! If you put it out there in the universe that God is doing something good, let me tell you, Satan will try and take it from you. And he is crafty! It's very easy to put your children first in your life, but when you have a spouse, they should always come before your children. You are the example for them of what a marriage and family unit looks like. Brian and I spent too much time doting on the kids, and the rest of the time trying to just relax, and unfortunately no time talking and loving on each other. The good news is, we discovered it, we turned it around, we got our butts back in church and I'm so excited that we will be going on our first mission trip together in March! Our marriage is not and will never be perfect, but we came out this year stronger than we started. So what's the word for that? Yep, VICTORY! 

And just because God is the God of immeasurably more, He also led me into a deeper relationship with Him and the Holy Spirit than I could have ever imagined. I have heard Him speak and it is the most tangible thing I received in 2017. It's my greatest VICTORY on the list!

So what's in store for my 2018? Well the word I've heard from the man Himself is PURPOSE. These next 12 months will be spent in study, reading God's word, and writing from my heart. I know God is calling me to write a book, I just don't know what that looks like yet. Time will reveal, this I know for sure. 

What is your word for the year? Spend some time asking God what His plans for your year are. Ask for a word or verse to stand on. If I have learned one thing from last year, is that he is oh so faithful. Even when we think, Especially when we think He's not listening, for when we are weak, He is strong.

"The purposes of a person's heart are deep waters, but one who has insight draws them out." - Proverbs 20:5

Ownership: A lost value

When going in to an interview in the workplace nowadays, everyone is looking for the quality of integrity. We want to work for an employer that has integrity. We want to pick the candidate that exudes integrity. But what about ownership? When faced with the truth that you made a mistake, how do you handle it? Do you own up to it?

As a parent, I have always taught my children that there is NOTHING that they can do to lose my love, and to hide their mistakes is far more costly in my eyes. To me, it's a biblical approach. I know that if I screw up, God will bless the mess if I confess (I like rhyming, it's just more fun). So that's what I try to instill in my children. It's not perfect, and you may not agree, but I think it's good. I'll let you know the outcome in about 50 years ;)

However, in the business world, I find it hard to impress this value in adult employees. Being an operations manager for the last several years, I get the fun task of confronting people with their mistakes, in the hopes that they will learn from it. Here's what I've witnessed: "Who me? Couldn't be...", or "Well, see what happened was...", or "I saw so-and-so doing it, so I thought it must be ok..." and you get the picture now, right? It's becoming more rare that someone just says "you're right, I was wrong". I know that's what I try to do. And I make mistakes! Trust me. Just because I may be in a leadership position, doesn't mean I am perfect. I actually think it's learning from the mistakes that have helped me in my path to leadership.

So here's your takeaway: when someone in your life brings your mistake to your attention, take ownership! 'Fess up. Move on. Learn from it. Grow. Because after all, if my 3 year old can do it, you can too.

Resolution Checkpoint

April 1st is around the corner. I swear as I get older, time is moving so much faster! But as I sit and evaluate what I've accomplished in 2017 thus far, I am reminded of my New Year's Resolutions. Remember? Those promises you made to yourself on January 1st with the hopes of a newer, better version of yourself just within reach.

At the beginning of this year, one of my dear sweet friends gave me the suggestion to pray over a "word" that I would stand on this year for the changes or resolutions I would make. As I thought about it, I realized I did this very thing last year without intention. I started the year in a job I was not happy in and had just suffered a miscarriage. I prayed and prayed and God kept telling me to "trust" Him. So I did. I would get up in the morning, read my Jesus Calling devotional (love that book, don't you?) and literally research all scripture with the word "trust" in it so that I could recite it to myself when I was living in my pity party. I believed Him. I trusted Him. Can I tell you that by the end of the year, I not only found the best job I've ever had, but I also was given my 3rd beautiful baby boy Connor!!! Talk about immeasurably more!

Now this year... God gave me the word VICTORY. And I made the resolution that I am going to claim victory over my health, my finances, and my marriage. While none of these things are necessarily in a catastrophic state, they could surely use a little TLC. I've made some progress but I'm certainly not there yet, which brings me to my point. The resolutions we make so often fail because we don't stay the course.

We live in a world of instant gratification. A world where you can pick up your phone and do anything. Need to video chat with someone across the world? Check. Need to go shopping and receive your item the next day? Check. Need someone to deliver your meals or groceries? Check. The problem with this is that when we make a resolution or goal, and we don't see immediate results, we don't stay the course. Life gets in the way, especially if you're a mom like me. All of a sudden, we're pulling out our Christmas decorations wondering where the heck the year went.

So listen close sisters. Lean in. This is where it gets good. Every day is a new chance to pick back up where you left off. Who cares if it isn't January 1st?! Make a new resolution. Make it today! If summer rolls around, and you still haven't quite accomplished it, make it again! Commit to yourself that you will accomplish it by the end of the year. No one said it had to be completed by the end of the month. And if you're a believer like me, ask God to reveal to you what your resolution should be. I really can't think of a better accountability partner than Him ;)

"Now this I know: the Lord gives VICTORY to his anointed. He answers him from his heavenly sanctuary with the victorious power of his right hand. Some trust in chariots and some in horses, but we trust in the name of the Lord our God" - Psalm 20:6-7

God in a bottle

Some of us may have an image of God as a genie in a bottle. We think of Him as the almighty wish granter, giving us our every desire. While He absolutely does answer our prayers, we have to remember that it is within HIS WILL, not ours. And His will? Well, it's always better. Always, always.

If you ask my closest girlfriends, they will tell you I like to be very specific in my prayer requests. I don't just pray for strength, or happiness. Don't get me wrong, those are great requests, but I like to know what it is that you are seeking that will give you that strength or happiness. I think it's important that God knows what exactly it is that we are praying for. I will never forget during my ultrasound in December, literally crying out to God and my real father in Heaven (yes, both of my daddies are in Heaven to hear me) and begging for something not to be wrong with this child. I was just chanting over and over exactly what I wanted the nurse to say. But somehow amidst the crying, I just knew in my heart that the pregnancy was no longer viable.

You see the problem with thinking God is going to give us every wish, is that when it doesn't happen like we planned, we start to question His authority. We may even question His love for us, or if we have somehow failed Him. That is not God's plan for us, and not at all how He wants us to live but He does like to teach us patience.

Imagine if every time our children asked us for something, we gave it to them, right when they asked. We know what's best for them don't we? Like when I tell my 2 year old he can't have gummy bears before bed (because I know it will keep him up late and he will wake up grouchy and possibly with a tummy-ache?) We have to tell them no sometimes, or "not right now, son". What would they learn if we didn't? And more importantly, would they really love us? Or just what we can do for them. God doesn't want to be our genie in a bottle because He wants us to trust Him and lean on Him during those times of waiting. It's what strengthens our relationship with Him. You may very well hear him tell you "not right now, son."

So for the person who is selling a house and not gotten any offers, the timing is not quite right yet. For the person who is struggling to find a job, God is creating the perfect opportunity just for you. For the mother who is dealing with infertility issues, maybe it's because there is already a child born in the world who is unwanted and needs you. So don't give up. Don't think God isn't listening. He hears every word you say. He just has a better plan for you, a good, pleasing, and perfect plan.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing, and perfect will." - Romans 12:2

2016: A year of trust

I debated on writing this down. Part of me didn't want to live it anymore than I've already had to. Yet for the last week I've thought of nothing else, and decided that it is often our times of hurt that bring the most growth.

As many of you know, my father passed away last year. So this holiday season was... rough. To say the least. However, the day before Thanksgiving, we were given a piece of our own good news that I was ecstatic about. Baby Lee #3 was on the way. I called the doctor and made our first appointment and ultrasound for January 4th. At first, it was selfishly so that it would be the start of my new calendar year insurance deductible. But as I noted the appointment time on the calendar, I saw that it was also the one year anniversary of my dad's passing. How fitting! That we would be able to celebrate old life with new and have a real reason to look forward to the day.

Unfortunately, God had other plans, as He often does, and December 29th I started spotting blood. While many told me, and I googled so many places, that this is so common during the first trimester and not necessarily a cause for alarm... I just knew in my heart that something was not right. I went to the doctor and they sent me for an ultrasound that showed the baby was 6 weeks and 2 days with no heartbeat. I was supposed to be 8 weeks and 3 days. Over the next couple days, my body did what it was supposed to and I naturally started to miscarry. So on January 4th, instead of having my first ultrasound, I was at the OB's office, confirming the bad news. Then on January 8th, I was in the ER with tremendous pain, and had to have what is known as a D&C. This is basically a minor procedure to make sure everything is cleared out.

I've had so much physical pain over the last 12 days, and I will spare you any of the gory details. The worst part of course is the emotional pain of losing a child before you ever get to meet them. I know I am blessed to have 2 children now, and I am ever so grateful for their health. But I am hurting y'all.

I have spent the last week diving into my bible and devotionals and looking for answers and the thing I keep coming across is trust. I have no choice right now but to trust God. I trust that this is part of His plan for me and my family. I trust that He WILL take care of me. I trust that He WILL bring me another baby when the time is right. I trust that He WILL heal me, all of me, every piece of my broken heart. I trust that this new year will bring new joy and revelations, even if it isn't a baby right away. And so I had to share my story, for any other woman who has gone through this or will go through this. This is not the end of my story. I trust in God that this is just a beginning.

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life" - Psalm 143:8 NIV

You need to clean the fishtank - So my 3 year old says

Tonight did not start off so easy. In fact it literally stunk. From the moment I arrived at my children's daycare to pick them up and my 1 1/2 year old came running into my arms with wet shorts and a putrid blowout, all the way until I finally put him to bed kicking and screaming. No, really. He was kicking, screaming, and hitting me. 

I swear y'all, there are some nights I find myself counting the minutes until it is their bedtime. My husband works night shift and I have been doing this rotation for 3 1/2 years now. God bless single mothers and army wives. You deserve a medal. I don't know if I could handle it without my husband home at least half of the time. 

But then, you have those good moments. Those moments where they do something so silly, so insightful, or just so downright adorable that you just sit back and think "Oh, that's right. This is what it's all about" 

Tonight I had one of those moments. And it erased the entire beginning of the evening. Funny how that works, huh? As I was laying in bed with my oldest, Nolan, who is now almost 4, he told me, didn't ask, but told me his father and I need to clean his fish tank. He stated so smartly that the dirt on the window will make his fish, Nemo 1, Nemo 2, and Dorit (because 2 Nemo's are ok, but 3 is clearly unacceptable) very sick and they will die. While part of me felt silly for not having cleaned the tank already, the other part was so impressed that he is even having such thought-out reasoning at his age. And I was proud. Again, not of the dirty fish tank.

And then he even went on to tell me "Mommy, we must snuggle, because I will go to sleep faster and so will you." And he's right. I sleep so much better when he's in my arms. Now Easton still needs some work obviously. The whole hitting thing is a work in progress but he will get there too. 

So my advice to any mom having a bad day is to push through! There are so many proud moments around the corner and just like child labor, you will forget about the hours of pain you endured for the reward!

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14 NIV

How Easter and Crowder changed my life

Today is a day of joy. A day of new beginnings. A day of hope. Today is Easter.

Many of us know the story of Easter and what it means. Jesus died on the cross and rose again 3 days later. He was crucified for us. He paid for our sins so we could go to Heaven. It is finished. 

This year Easter has brought on a new joy for me. My father is in heaven and there is NO doubt in my mind. I have been waiting to share this testimony and today couldn't be more perfect. 

As many of you know, my father passed away January 4th this year. About 2 weeks later, I had plans to go to Atlanta for a Christian conference called Passion. I had the trip planned for many months or otherwise may have cancelled with all that was going on. But figured I needed to go, worship, and be as close to God as I could get. I remember so clearly, as I was packing to go, asking God to just show me that my Dad was in Heaven. I wasn't sure about his beliefs, or if he had accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior. I just wasn't feeling strong in my faith. To be honest, I had prayed so hard for complete healing when my dad fell ill in the hospital that when he passed away within 2 weeks, I was angry. I thought prayers and also firm faith in my prayers would be what made my dad overcome. But he didn't. So when I asked God to tell me he was in Heaven, I was skeptical that He was listening. 

On my 2nd day at the conference, I heard David Crowder sing, "Come as you are". Such a great song. I've heard it 100 times before coming to this show and already knew every word. What I didn't know was that God would use this song, and the Holy Spirit, to reveal why He had to take my father and why He couldn't answer my first prayers for complete healing. 

As I sat and listened to the song, and there were lights for the show literally spelling "HEAVEN" in green above, I knew. He is there. With God. It was so clear. Tears just streamed down my face without my even realizing. And when it was over, I thanked God. Isn't it just like Him to always give you more than you ask for just when you need it most?

Here are the words and video from last years conference:
 

Come out of sadness

From wherever you’ve been

Come broken hearted

Let rescue begin

Come find your mercy

Oh sinner come kneel

Earth has no sorrow

That heaven can’t heal

Earth has no sorrow

That heaven can’t heal

So lay down your burdens

Lay down your shame

All who are broken

Lift up your face

Oh wanderer come home

You’re not too far

So lay down your hurt

Lay down your heart

Come as you are

There’s hope for the hopeless

And all those who’ve strayed

Come sit at the table

Come taste the grace

There’s rest for the weary

Rest that endures

Earth has no sorrow

That heaven can’t cure

So lay down your burdens

Lay down your shame

All who are broken

Lift up your face

Oh wanderer come home

You’re not too far

So lay down your hurt

Lay down your heart

Come as you are

Come as you are

Fall in his arms

Come as you are

There’s joy for the morning

Oh sinner be still

Earth has no sorrow

That heaven can’t heal

Earth has no sorrow

That heaven can’t heal

 

So lay down your burdens

Lay down your shame

All who are broken

Lift up your face

Oh wanderer come home

You’re not too far

So lay down your hurt

Lay down your heart

Come as you are

Come as you are

Come as you are

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PE6QXWFL6jY

 

What many may not have known about my dad is that he had a lot of "demons" or "skeletons" in his heart. Truth be told, he never fully got over his divorce with my mom. It was his only real love. After that, everything was just a series of mishaps that he couldn't pick up from and he couldn't give to God while here on Earth. He just wasn't willing. So I now know that God was telling me "Of course your dad is here with me. And this is why I took him, to heal him, completely, as only Heaven can do" 

So this is why I celebrate today and will look at Easter in a whole new light. Jesus paved the way so my dad could go to Heaven. I will be there later with him, regardless of any past sins he or I may have had. 

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." -John 3:16 NIV