I debated on writing this down. Part of me didn't want to live it anymore than I've already had to. Yet for the last week I've thought of nothing else, and decided that it is often our times of hurt that bring the most growth.
As many of you know, my father passed away last year. So this holiday season was... rough. To say the least. However, the day before Thanksgiving, we were given a piece of our own good news that I was ecstatic about. Baby Lee #3 was on the way. I called the doctor and made our first appointment and ultrasound for January 4th. At first, it was selfishly so that it would be the start of my new calendar year insurance deductible. But as I noted the appointment time on the calendar, I saw that it was also the one year anniversary of my dad's passing. How fitting! That we would be able to celebrate old life with new and have a real reason to look forward to the day.
Unfortunately, God had other plans, as He often does, and December 29th I started spotting blood. While many told me, and I googled so many places, that this is so common during the first trimester and not necessarily a cause for alarm... I just knew in my heart that something was not right. I went to the doctor and they sent me for an ultrasound that showed the baby was 6 weeks and 2 days with no heartbeat. I was supposed to be 8 weeks and 3 days. Over the next couple days, my body did what it was supposed to and I naturally started to miscarry. So on January 4th, instead of having my first ultrasound, I was at the OB's office, confirming the bad news. Then on January 8th, I was in the ER with tremendous pain, and had to have what is known as a D&C. This is basically a minor procedure to make sure everything is cleared out.
I've had so much physical pain over the last 12 days, and I will spare you any of the gory details. The worst part of course is the emotional pain of losing a child before you ever get to meet them. I know I am blessed to have 2 children now, and I am ever so grateful for their health. But I am hurting y'all.
I have spent the last week diving into my bible and devotionals and looking for answers and the thing I keep coming across is trust. I have no choice right now but to trust God. I trust that this is part of His plan for me and my family. I trust that He WILL take care of me. I trust that He WILL bring me another baby when the time is right. I trust that He WILL heal me, all of me, every piece of my broken heart. I trust that this new year will bring new joy and revelations, even if it isn't a baby right away. And so I had to share my story, for any other woman who has gone through this or will go through this. This is not the end of my story. I trust in God that this is just a beginning.
"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life" - Psalm 143:8 NIV
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