You need to clean the fishtank - So my 3 year old says

Tonight did not start off so easy. In fact it literally stunk. From the moment I arrived at my children's daycare to pick them up and my 1 1/2 year old came running into my arms with wet shorts and a putrid blowout, all the way until I finally put him to bed kicking and screaming. No, really. He was kicking, screaming, and hitting me. 

I swear y'all, there are some nights I find myself counting the minutes until it is their bedtime. My husband works night shift and I have been doing this rotation for 3 1/2 years now. God bless single mothers and army wives. You deserve a medal. I don't know if I could handle it without my husband home at least half of the time. 

But then, you have those good moments. Those moments where they do something so silly, so insightful, or just so downright adorable that you just sit back and think "Oh, that's right. This is what it's all about" 

Tonight I had one of those moments. And it erased the entire beginning of the evening. Funny how that works, huh? As I was laying in bed with my oldest, Nolan, who is now almost 4, he told me, didn't ask, but told me his father and I need to clean his fish tank. He stated so smartly that the dirt on the window will make his fish, Nemo 1, Nemo 2, and Dorit (because 2 Nemo's are ok, but 3 is clearly unacceptable) very sick and they will die. While part of me felt silly for not having cleaned the tank already, the other part was so impressed that he is even having such thought-out reasoning at his age. And I was proud. Again, not of the dirty fish tank.

And then he even went on to tell me "Mommy, we must snuggle, because I will go to sleep faster and so will you." And he's right. I sleep so much better when he's in my arms. Now Easton still needs some work obviously. The whole hitting thing is a work in progress but he will get there too. 

So my advice to any mom having a bad day is to push through! There are so many proud moments around the corner and just like child labor, you will forget about the hours of pain you endured for the reward!

"I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well." Psalm 139:14 NIV

How Easter and Crowder changed my life

Today is a day of joy. A day of new beginnings. A day of hope. Today is Easter.

Many of us know the story of Easter and what it means. Jesus died on the cross and rose again 3 days later. He was crucified for us. He paid for our sins so we could go to Heaven. It is finished. 

This year Easter has brought on a new joy for me. My father is in heaven and there is NO doubt in my mind. I have been waiting to share this testimony and today couldn't be more perfect. 

As many of you know, my father passed away January 4th this year. About 2 weeks later, I had plans to go to Atlanta for a Christian conference called Passion. I had the trip planned for many months or otherwise may have cancelled with all that was going on. But figured I needed to go, worship, and be as close to God as I could get. I remember so clearly, as I was packing to go, asking God to just show me that my Dad was in Heaven. I wasn't sure about his beliefs, or if he had accepted Jesus as Lord and Savior. I just wasn't feeling strong in my faith. To be honest, I had prayed so hard for complete healing when my dad fell ill in the hospital that when he passed away within 2 weeks, I was angry. I thought prayers and also firm faith in my prayers would be what made my dad overcome. But he didn't. So when I asked God to tell me he was in Heaven, I was skeptical that He was listening. 

On my 2nd day at the conference, I heard David Crowder sing, "Come as you are". Such a great song. I've heard it 100 times before coming to this show and already knew every word. What I didn't know was that God would use this song, and the Holy Spirit, to reveal why He had to take my father and why He couldn't answer my first prayers for complete healing. 

As I sat and listened to the song, and there were lights for the show literally spelling "HEAVEN" in green above, I knew. He is there. With God. It was so clear. Tears just streamed down my face without my even realizing. And when it was over, I thanked God. Isn't it just like Him to always give you more than you ask for just when you need it most?

Here are the words and video from last years conference:
 

Come out of sadness

From wherever you’ve been

Come broken hearted

Let rescue begin

Come find your mercy

Oh sinner come kneel

Earth has no sorrow

That heaven can’t heal

Earth has no sorrow

That heaven can’t heal

So lay down your burdens

Lay down your shame

All who are broken

Lift up your face

Oh wanderer come home

You’re not too far

So lay down your hurt

Lay down your heart

Come as you are

There’s hope for the hopeless

And all those who’ve strayed

Come sit at the table

Come taste the grace

There’s rest for the weary

Rest that endures

Earth has no sorrow

That heaven can’t cure

So lay down your burdens

Lay down your shame

All who are broken

Lift up your face

Oh wanderer come home

You’re not too far

So lay down your hurt

Lay down your heart

Come as you are

Come as you are

Fall in his arms

Come as you are

There’s joy for the morning

Oh sinner be still

Earth has no sorrow

That heaven can’t heal

Earth has no sorrow

That heaven can’t heal

 

So lay down your burdens

Lay down your shame

All who are broken

Lift up your face

Oh wanderer come home

You’re not too far

So lay down your hurt

Lay down your heart

Come as you are

Come as you are

Come as you are

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=PE6QXWFL6jY

 

What many may not have known about my dad is that he had a lot of "demons" or "skeletons" in his heart. Truth be told, he never fully got over his divorce with my mom. It was his only real love. After that, everything was just a series of mishaps that he couldn't pick up from and he couldn't give to God while here on Earth. He just wasn't willing. So I now know that God was telling me "Of course your dad is here with me. And this is why I took him, to heal him, completely, as only Heaven can do" 

So this is why I celebrate today and will look at Easter in a whole new light. Jesus paved the way so my dad could go to Heaven. I will be there later with him, regardless of any past sins he or I may have had. 

"For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have eternal life." -John 3:16 NIV

My heart for Haiti

Tonight my heart is overflowing. Overflowing with joy yet sadness. With love yet despair. With aching yet yearning. The country and people of Haiti will tug at your heartstrings until there is nothing left to tug. 

I had the privilege tonight to help teach English to middle school age children here in Grand Goave, Haiti. They know that if they are able to learn our language it will give them an opportunity to earn a better living whether it be as a fellow teacher or to assist the American missionaries as translators or many other English-speaking roles. They were eager to learn. Eager to be loved on. I learned their names and ages and we talked about the different colors. Just like any other child, they laughed and played games. They held my hand and gave me hugs. My heart was overjoyed. I have been so blessed to see God's love in these Haitian children. 

Then we went out to dinner and drove through the town and I was reminded of the despair. I looked around at the tin roofs and tarp-made walls and think to myself "How do they do it? How do they laugh and play when they know this is what they're coming home to?" Clearly these children have it figured out better than I do. They see joy despite their circumstance. And that's what I've really learned and been reminded of so far on my 2nd mission trip to Haiti. It's not always about changing the ones you meet but opening your heart to let them change you. 

"God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble." Psalm 46:1 NIV

A bad banana

Have you ever noticed how quickly a banana goes bad when it is separated from the bunch? It can sit in a bowl for a week and be fine as log as it remains attached. The day you break off from the bunch is the end of your banana. That is the true picture of a person with no friends to lean on. 

I recently went through the hardest thing I've had to endure (besides labor) and without my friends, I don't know how I would have gotten through it. I truly don't think your life can be fully prosperous without relationships. 

I have had the opportunity to meet an amazing group of girls from my church whom I instantly clicked with. It was uncanny how the first night we hung out we laughed, cried, and all left saying this was "the start of something good". When my father passed they stepped in, watched my kids, made me food, stopped by (without an invite) just to see how I was doing and checked on me constantly. It was overwhelming, in a good way of course. How great is God to bring these women to me just a few months before I would need them the most? 

I have also made a couple friends at work that are amazing. You would think you get sick of talking to the same person day in and day out but you have so much to relate to and it's like they just get it. You can vent about your day to them because they understand better than your spouse will. I'm grateful to have a job that I love and friends that make the time pass by. 

And then there is my older group of girlfriends who all showed up and held my hand at my father's service. Now these are the girls who I have known for many years. They have seen my pretty side, my ugly side, my good side and my bad side. But mainly they have been by my side and still loved me just for who I was. I honestly thought since we all have had our children our lives have just gotten too far apart. But while I may not talk to some of them for months, at the end of the day, they were there.

So here's the thing, it doesn't matter if friendships are old or new, you just have to have them! When you go through life together, rather than alone, you can prosper and live a longer, fuller life. Just think of what kind of banana you want to be 

"Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends." - John 15:13 NIV

Peaches & Vinegar

When you ask some people how their marriage is, they may tell you everything is all peaches and cream. And if they do, either they are newlyweds or they are lying. I'm not being harsh, I'm just being real.

The truth is, marriage is work. Marriage is hard work. In fact, it's so hard, I think we should start listing as a quality on our resumes how long we have been married for.

We all go into it thinking it is going to be some beautiful fairy tale like we see on the movies or read in a book. It starts out that way (or I hope it does, otherwise you really have a problem) but then life comes along and you really start to know a person. All of the traits and quirks that you didn't notice before, because you didn't actually spend 24/7 with them like you thought you did, come blaring into focus.

It starts off:
"I didn't know that you snore? It's ok, I think it's cute"

And still stays civil:
"Do you really sit in the mirror like this every night and pick at your pimples? That's odd but kind of funny"

Then we start to get annoyed:
"How long are you going to leave that laundry in the dryer for? I'm not complaining, I'm just wondering"

And these little habits turn into hatred:
"Can't you just make the bed when you get out of it? Is it really that hard?"

And then there's no turning back:
"You don't ever listen to me! I can't even live like this!"

Trust me, I speak from experience. My husband Brian and I have been through it. The rain, the storm, the mud, the trenches. I have used the "D-word" more times than I care to admit. By the way, don't do that. It's something you will always wish you never said after you say it. We have gone to counseling, we have cried, and we have prayed. See our problem wasn't an affair, or some event, or big obstacle to figure out. Our problem was, and still is, learning to love all of each other on a daily basis. Loving all of those quirks that were completely opposite from the other. The truth is, you will have good days. And you will have bad days.

My advice is to remind yourselves how and why you fell in love in the first place and to be there for your spouse through the hard times because they will never forget it. I can personally attest that my husband has been my ROCK for the last few weeks through my father's sickness and death. When my father took a turn for the worse, my world was shattered and Brian picked up every piece. And then when my father passed and I crumbled yet again, he was behind me every step of the way. These are the things that I will look back and remember when he and I are having a bad day. I will remember that when the going got tough, my husband was tougher.

I'm not claiming our marriage is perfect now. But we fought for it and it's better than it was. I know we will still have arguments because we are 2 different people coming from 2 different families with 2 different personalities. No 2 people will always agree on everything. If they say they do, again, liars. Sorry, I call 'em like I see 'em. We just have to pray that we get through the argument and continue to love each other. Pray, love, pray, love, and pray some more.

Everything is not going to be peaches and cream every day. I propose instead that a good marriage is more like peaches and vinegar. It tastes awful at first, even for a while actually, but give it time and attention, and you will have yourself a beautiful recipe.

The stages of grief

Last Sunday, January 4th 2015, I said goodbye to my father. I held his hand as he took his last breaths and told him that I loved him. It has now been over a week and I think it's actually getting harder each day. Each day a new feeling sinks in, a new realization that I will never see him again. I will never hug him again. I will never hear him laugh again. 

I've heard so much about the stages of grief - denial, shock, anger, etc. For me, all of this can be summed up in 2 stages -admission and submission. And I'm not through either of them yet. 

Admission is admitting fully that he is gone. Admitting that he won't be here to see my boys grow up. Admitting that no amount of whiskey shots at his favorite bar is going to bring him back (believe me I tried and all I got was a hangover). This is what others would call denial or shock. I have so many feelings that I think they all fall under the fact that I want to wake up from what feels like a horrible dream where a little girl lost the only daddy she ever had. But I have to admit to the world that this is real. And this nightmare is true. 

When I am able to do that, which I am looking forward to, then I can go into the 2nd stage of submission. That means I will just let go and submit everything to God. I need to trust our Heavenly Father to take care of my father. It's so wonderful to be able to comfort other people in their time of grief and tell them "they're in a better place now". But when it happens to your family member or your friend, it's a different story and it feels like life isn't fair. 

I love and trust God and I know we live according to His will, but part of me is asking "Wait God, are you sure you came to the right hospital room that day?" 

So please pray for me, and anyone else you may know that's going through these stages. Pray we are able to admit it, submit it, and give it to God. 

"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." - Psalm 23:4 NIV