Peaches & Vinegar

When you ask some people how their marriage is, they may tell you everything is all peaches and cream. And if they do, either they are newlyweds or they are lying. I'm not being harsh, I'm just being real.

The truth is, marriage is work. Marriage is hard work. In fact, it's so hard, I think we should start listing as a quality on our resumes how long we have been married for.

We all go into it thinking it is going to be some beautiful fairy tale like we see on the movies or read in a book. It starts out that way (or I hope it does, otherwise you really have a problem) but then life comes along and you really start to know a person. All of the traits and quirks that you didn't notice before, because you didn't actually spend 24/7 with them like you thought you did, come blaring into focus.

It starts off:
"I didn't know that you snore? It's ok, I think it's cute"

And still stays civil:
"Do you really sit in the mirror like this every night and pick at your pimples? That's odd but kind of funny"

Then we start to get annoyed:
"How long are you going to leave that laundry in the dryer for? I'm not complaining, I'm just wondering"

And these little habits turn into hatred:
"Can't you just make the bed when you get out of it? Is it really that hard?"

And then there's no turning back:
"You don't ever listen to me! I can't even live like this!"

Trust me, I speak from experience. My husband Brian and I have been through it. The rain, the storm, the mud, the trenches. I have used the "D-word" more times than I care to admit. By the way, don't do that. It's something you will always wish you never said after you say it. We have gone to counseling, we have cried, and we have prayed. See our problem wasn't an affair, or some event, or big obstacle to figure out. Our problem was, and still is, learning to love all of each other on a daily basis. Loving all of those quirks that were completely opposite from the other. The truth is, you will have good days. And you will have bad days.

My advice is to remind yourselves how and why you fell in love in the first place and to be there for your spouse through the hard times because they will never forget it. I can personally attest that my husband has been my ROCK for the last few weeks through my father's sickness and death. When my father took a turn for the worse, my world was shattered and Brian picked up every piece. And then when my father passed and I crumbled yet again, he was behind me every step of the way. These are the things that I will look back and remember when he and I are having a bad day. I will remember that when the going got tough, my husband was tougher.

I'm not claiming our marriage is perfect now. But we fought for it and it's better than it was. I know we will still have arguments because we are 2 different people coming from 2 different families with 2 different personalities. No 2 people will always agree on everything. If they say they do, again, liars. Sorry, I call 'em like I see 'em. We just have to pray that we get through the argument and continue to love each other. Pray, love, pray, love, and pray some more.

Everything is not going to be peaches and cream every day. I propose instead that a good marriage is more like peaches and vinegar. It tastes awful at first, even for a while actually, but give it time and attention, and you will have yourself a beautiful recipe.

The stages of grief

Last Sunday, January 4th 2015, I said goodbye to my father. I held his hand as he took his last breaths and told him that I loved him. It has now been over a week and I think it's actually getting harder each day. Each day a new feeling sinks in, a new realization that I will never see him again. I will never hug him again. I will never hear him laugh again. 

I've heard so much about the stages of grief - denial, shock, anger, etc. For me, all of this can be summed up in 2 stages -admission and submission. And I'm not through either of them yet. 

Admission is admitting fully that he is gone. Admitting that he won't be here to see my boys grow up. Admitting that no amount of whiskey shots at his favorite bar is going to bring him back (believe me I tried and all I got was a hangover). This is what others would call denial or shock. I have so many feelings that I think they all fall under the fact that I want to wake up from what feels like a horrible dream where a little girl lost the only daddy she ever had. But I have to admit to the world that this is real. And this nightmare is true. 

When I am able to do that, which I am looking forward to, then I can go into the 2nd stage of submission. That means I will just let go and submit everything to God. I need to trust our Heavenly Father to take care of my father. It's so wonderful to be able to comfort other people in their time of grief and tell them "they're in a better place now". But when it happens to your family member or your friend, it's a different story and it feels like life isn't fair. 

I love and trust God and I know we live according to His will, but part of me is asking "Wait God, are you sure you came to the right hospital room that day?" 

So please pray for me, and anyone else you may know that's going through these stages. Pray we are able to admit it, submit it, and give it to God. 

"Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me." - Psalm 23:4 NIV