God in a bottle

Some of us may have an image of God as a genie in a bottle. We think of Him as the almighty wish granter, giving us our every desire. While He absolutely does answer our prayers, we have to remember that it is within HIS WILL, not ours. And His will? Well, it's always better. Always, always.

If you ask my closest girlfriends, they will tell you I like to be very specific in my prayer requests. I don't just pray for strength, or happiness. Don't get me wrong, those are great requests, but I like to know what it is that you are seeking that will give you that strength or happiness. I think it's important that God knows what exactly it is that we are praying for. I will never forget during my ultrasound in December, literally crying out to God and my real father in Heaven (yes, both of my daddies are in Heaven to hear me) and begging for something not to be wrong with this child. I was just chanting over and over exactly what I wanted the nurse to say. But somehow amidst the crying, I just knew in my heart that the pregnancy was no longer viable.

You see the problem with thinking God is going to give us every wish, is that when it doesn't happen like we planned, we start to question His authority. We may even question His love for us, or if we have somehow failed Him. That is not God's plan for us, and not at all how He wants us to live but He does like to teach us patience.

Imagine if every time our children asked us for something, we gave it to them, right when they asked. We know what's best for them don't we? Like when I tell my 2 year old he can't have gummy bears before bed (because I know it will keep him up late and he will wake up grouchy and possibly with a tummy-ache?) We have to tell them no sometimes, or "not right now, son". What would they learn if we didn't? And more importantly, would they really love us? Or just what we can do for them. God doesn't want to be our genie in a bottle because He wants us to trust Him and lean on Him during those times of waiting. It's what strengthens our relationship with Him. You may very well hear him tell you "not right now, son."

So for the person who is selling a house and not gotten any offers, the timing is not quite right yet. For the person who is struggling to find a job, God is creating the perfect opportunity just for you. For the mother who is dealing with infertility issues, maybe it's because there is already a child born in the world who is unwanted and needs you. So don't give up. Don't think God isn't listening. He hears every word you say. He just has a better plan for you, a good, pleasing, and perfect plan.

"Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing, and perfect will." - Romans 12:2

2016: A year of trust

I debated on writing this down. Part of me didn't want to live it anymore than I've already had to. Yet for the last week I've thought of nothing else, and decided that it is often our times of hurt that bring the most growth.

As many of you know, my father passed away last year. So this holiday season was... rough. To say the least. However, the day before Thanksgiving, we were given a piece of our own good news that I was ecstatic about. Baby Lee #3 was on the way. I called the doctor and made our first appointment and ultrasound for January 4th. At first, it was selfishly so that it would be the start of my new calendar year insurance deductible. But as I noted the appointment time on the calendar, I saw that it was also the one year anniversary of my dad's passing. How fitting! That we would be able to celebrate old life with new and have a real reason to look forward to the day.

Unfortunately, God had other plans, as He often does, and December 29th I started spotting blood. While many told me, and I googled so many places, that this is so common during the first trimester and not necessarily a cause for alarm... I just knew in my heart that something was not right. I went to the doctor and they sent me for an ultrasound that showed the baby was 6 weeks and 2 days with no heartbeat. I was supposed to be 8 weeks and 3 days. Over the next couple days, my body did what it was supposed to and I naturally started to miscarry. So on January 4th, instead of having my first ultrasound, I was at the OB's office, confirming the bad news. Then on January 8th, I was in the ER with tremendous pain, and had to have what is known as a D&C. This is basically a minor procedure to make sure everything is cleared out.

I've had so much physical pain over the last 12 days, and I will spare you any of the gory details. The worst part of course is the emotional pain of losing a child before you ever get to meet them. I know I am blessed to have 2 children now, and I am ever so grateful for their health. But I am hurting y'all.

I have spent the last week diving into my bible and devotionals and looking for answers and the thing I keep coming across is trust. I have no choice right now but to trust God. I trust that this is part of His plan for me and my family. I trust that He WILL take care of me. I trust that He WILL bring me another baby when the time is right. I trust that He WILL heal me, all of me, every piece of my broken heart. I trust that this new year will bring new joy and revelations, even if it isn't a baby right away. And so I had to share my story, for any other woman who has gone through this or will go through this. This is not the end of my story. I trust in God that this is just a beginning.

"Let the morning bring me word of your unfailing love, for I have put my trust in you. Show me the way I should go, for to you I entrust my life" - Psalm 143:8 NIV